


2014

by dreamerbydawn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Dean, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confused Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, mentions of end!verse cas, post Season 8 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 05:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamerbydawn/pseuds/dreamerbydawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I want the guy who sat with me on the park bench all those years ago. I want the guy who stayed with me when my brother left. I want the guy who knew we would lose but agreed to face lucifer with me. And I will choose him over you because he was drunk and stoned and soaked in twenty kinds of sin but he stayed and you never did!!"</p><p> It's 2014 again and a freshly human Castiel is at the bunker, questioning his purpose in life while also trying to understand why Dean refuses to forgive him. Or worse still, why he seems to prefer a different version of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2014

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mentions of End verse Cas! = Mentions of drug use

 

 On edge. Restless. It wasn’t a new feeling for a hunter, not really. But the feeling never got any more comforting for the familiarity of it. Especially these past three weeks, where in, it had festered and spread to such an extent, that even Sam kept his distance.

 

 Honestly, Dean had no idea what his problem was either. Ever since the angels had fallen, he had been anxious. He had no idea what Cas had done, but he knew the stupid feathery child had been taken advantage of and tricked again, and all he had wanted was to see the angel back home again.

 

 The days they spent looking for Castiel, Dean had found surprising tolerance extended to him by both Kevin and Sam, not that he had noticed it in his all consuming need to find the angel. But now Cas had been at the bunker for three whole weeks, and after the first day where relief had overpowered anything else, Dean was right back on the edge.

 

 That, of course, would explain why he was stalking through the bunker, searching for something to do. He had taken of on four consecutive hunts in the past three weeks and Sam was now forbidding him from going anywhere else. He had cleaned as much of the place as he could, gone on long drives, worked on baby though there was nothing wrong with her, haunted every bar in a 30 mile radius, cleaned his guns and even made himself some pie for the lack of an alternative.

 

 Hell, he had even spent two hours in the library before he couldn’t take it anymore, and he wasn’t just talking about the books and the research, but the very idea of sitting across Cas, watching him burying his nose inside a book and frowning that unhappy little frown, it injected another shot of agitation right into his nerves.

 

 That was what brought Dean back to stiffly stalking the bunker’s corridors aimlessly. Or at least thats what he would claim he was doing when in reality he was snooping through Castiel’s room. The bareness of it made his lips press into a thin line, and there still was no explanation as to why he was even there, which made him decide that he might at least get the other man’s clothes into the laundry since Cas himself was not so inclined to bother about the growing pile in the corner.

 

 It was when he was sorting through the pile of clothes, that his hands wrapped around a small offensive looking bottle, that grew heavier in his hand the minute he noticed it was half empty. Promptly dropping everything except the bottle, Dean marched himself out of the room, slamming the door behind him as he went.

 

Sparing no time at all for thoughts, he strode right into the library with his hands clenching around the bottle of pills.

 

“CAS!” He all but snarled threateningly, making all three inhabitants of the room startle at the sudden arrival. Dean didn’t really care though. He was glaring directly into the confused blue eyes.

 

“What the hell is this?”  He demanded.

 

“I believe it is a sleeping medication Dean” Cas answered calmly.

 

“Yeah? Question is why do you have it?” Dean questioned.

 

“It helps me sleep Dean, I am otherwise unused to-” The angel began when Dean growled with frustration.

 

“Where did you get this?” He cut across instead.

 

“I gave it to him. What on earth is going on Dean?” Sam questioned as he directed his best bitchface at Dean.

 

“You - You gave it to - you gave him sleeping pills?” The elder Winchester sputtered.

 

“He couldn’t sleep” Sam shrugged casually.

 

“So you gave him pills? What the hell is wrong with you Sammy?” Dean demanded.

 

“Its not like you don’t have the same ones. Why are we even having this conversation?” Kevin questioned, sounding as annoyed as Sam looked even though the kid was still nosing into his book.

 

“Because no one is giving him any goddamn pills!” Dean snapped, his own frustration building up.

 

“Yeah? And who suddenly made you the doctor?” Kevin demanded, the last of his patience wearing thin.

 

“No pills. If the dude can’t sleep teach him to count the freakin sheep!” Dean ordered with finality.

 

“Honestly Dean, what has gotten into you?” Sam asked, crossing his arms against his chest and finally turning his full attention towards his brother. Dean however chose to ignore him.

 

“You are not using these things. Capische?” The hunter stated, turning his attention back to the former angel who was silently observing the argument.

 

“You know what Cas, ignore him” Sam advised, his bitchface still firmly in place. Any attention Dean would have spared his brother was taken by the blue eyes staring steadily at him.

 

“I do not understand. You have given me the exact same medication before” Cas stated evenly.

 

“Yeah well that was before” Dean argued. And he knew the room only heard the unvoiced _‘before you fell’_ but there was more on his mind. Before it was 2014,before I knew you could get addicted to it. Before I saw what you would become if you were roped into the stuff.

 

“He’s just being a major pain in the ass” Kevin mumbled, finally involved enough to look up from his work and glance at the Winchester.

 

“He might not be an angel but his body can still take a couple of pills Dean” Sam voiced in obvious agreement with Kevin.

 

 Neither Dean nor Castiel seemed to have heard either statement though. The former angel had finally stood up and turned himself entirely to face Dean, his frown deepening as he continued to wait for a better explanation from the other man. Dean for his part could only feel overwhelming frustration stir within him again.

 

“Damnit Cas, you promised” He finally snapped.

 

 The statement made two sets of eyebrows disappear into the respective hairlines while Cas only tilted his head quizzically to the patented angle. The look was so reminiscent of all those years ago that it made the hunter more bitter.

 

 He didn’t know how they were here again. It was 2014 and Cas was human again, because somehow Dean had failed him and maybe he was being paranoid, but all he could see was glazed blue eyes and bitter smiles and he wanted to turn and walk away. He had even managed a couple of steps before he felt the firm grip on his elbow as Castiel spun him around.

 

 And it was Castiel that spun him around, not Cas, because the fire in the blue eyes and the expression that would have made braver men shrink away belonged to the angel of the Lord.

 

“Dean-” The angel began only to be cut across by an irritable hunter.

 

“Let me go Cas” He managed calmly.

 

“What promise Dean?” the dark haired man demanded.

 

“What does it matter? Not like I still expect you to keep your word anyway” He commented with a harsh laugh. The grip on his elbow loosened for the slightest moment before pressing harder.

 

“Are you going to forgive me at all Dean?” There was already defeat in that voice and Dean knew his answer was already expected. That didn’t keep him from voicing it though.

 

“No” He informed bluntly. Castiel only nodded as he dropped his hand.

 

“I am still sorry, I truly am” He said in a significantly smaller voice.

 

“Yeah see, that’s your problem Cas. You are always sorry but you don’t even know what you are sorry for” Dean pointed out a little coldly.

 

“I’m sorry for everything Dean” Came the immediate response. The hunter snorted.

 

“And what is everything Cas?” He questioned.

 

“For not listening to you when you asked me not to trust Metatron, for not trusting you with the angel tablet, for what happened in purgatory, for opening purgatory, for breaking Sam’s wall, for choosing to work with Crowley. For everything Dean” Castiel answered mournfully.

 

“Case in point Cas” Dean sighed. “You are even sorry for the wrong things”

 

“I don’t understand” Castiel frowned.

 

“Let me make it clear” Dean answered, grabbing the former angel’s hand and placing the bottle in it “We are done. I just can’t care anymore”

 

Castiel flinched as Dean pushed away and the hurt that filled his eyes went straight to the hunters heart but he meant it. He was done and that meant no looking back.

 

* * *

 

 

 He stared steadily at the bedside lamp. He had not slept in four days. He couldn’t. He was afraid of sleeping. He wasn’t sure why, but he was sure it had something to do with the fact that the only two humans he has watched asleep were Sam and Dean Winchester, and both of them were constantly plagued by nightmares.

 

 In other words, Sleeping seemed unpleasant. Sleeping seemed to be when the worst memories surfaced, and took over even the most restrained men, and he didn’t want to sleep. He had managed to stay awake without too much trouble the first day, and had busied himself with a book the second. The third night he kept nodding off but he wouldn’t sleep. He was not going to allow himself that.

 

 And that stubbornness was what brought him here. Sitting on his bed and staring intently at the lamp to keep his eyes open. He had heard Sam and Dean fighting over him earlier, and he had noticed the sympathetic glances Kevin sent his way, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to care.  

 

_“We are done. I just can’t care anymore”_

 

 The words repeated themselves in his head over and over, every second since they had been spoken and honestly, he had been pushed to the point where he agreed that humanity was overrated. Feelings were overrated. Why Anna had fallen for this he didn’t know, but he would give anything to go back to being cold and unfeeling. Anything to forget the way the words pierced into his core.

 

 Was this how all his siblings were feeling now? Cold and alone and miserable? Was that what he had sentenced them to after taking away their home? Did all of them hate him now? He could see them falling. He could hear them screaming. He could - he couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t escape. He was drowning. The sensation did not make much sense but he was running out of air and -

 

 “CAS!! CAS!! Wake up!” He could hear the familiar voice and he allowed it to anchor him. A part of him realised he was gasping and a more distant part realised Dean was holding him.

 

“Its okay. Its okay. It was just a nightmare Cas. You are okay. You are good” Dean soothed quietly and after brief contemplation Castiel realised that he was the one trembling.

 

“I fell asleep” He concluded when he could finally find his voice.

 

“Yeah” Dean answered, still rubbing circles against his back.

 

“I didn’t mean to do that” He frowned.

 

“No one means to have a nightmare Cas” Dean answered wearily.

 

“No. I meant sleep. I didn’t mean to fall asleep” Castiel clarified. Dean remained silent for a long moment and the former angel stayed put in the comforting arms.

 

“When was the last time you slept?” He heard the hunter question finally.

 

“It's not of import” Castiel answered immediately.  

 

“Cas” The word was huffed with exasperation and resignation both and he did not know what to make out of it.

 

“Why were you not sleeping?” He questioned instead.

 

“I was” Dean replied before pausing for a second and adding. “You were screaming”

 

“Oh” He had woken Dean up “I am sorry”

 

The answering smile was bitter. “There you go with apologising for the wrong things again”

 

“I don’t know what I should apologise for Dean” He answered matter of factly, looking up to meet green eyes.

 

“That’s why I can’t forgive you Cas” Dean answered, finally unwrapping his hands from where they were circling his body.

 

 The hunter was going to leave. He was already moving away and Castiel needed to stop him. With no conscious thought on his part he reached out and snagged Dean’s wrist, tugging him back down on the bed. Startled green eyes met his gaze but Castiel could not think of any proper defense for his action.

 

 Surprisingly Dean wasn’t asking for an explanation. Or at least not out loud, he was simply putting his elbows to his knees and pressing his face into his hands. The posture did not suit Dean. It seemed almost vulnerable with the way his shoulders were hunched in on himself. Castiel didn’t like to see him like that.

 

“Why were you trying to stay awake in the first place Cas?” Dean questioned and Castiel realised he had been staring again.

 

“I don’t like sleep. It seems painful” He answered thoughtfully.

 

“Yeah?” Dean was not quite smiling but his lips had the slightest upward tilt.

 

“Yes” he answered because he did not know what else to say and he wanted to say something so Dean wouldn’t leave.

 

“You don’t always have nightmares Cas. They just come and go” Dean offered after another long stretch of silence. He accepted that with a nod as he waited again but Dean did not seem to be leaving again.

 

“Dean may I ask you something?” He questioned a little timidly. The three feet between them didn’t matter, he could still feel the hunter tense. “If there is still one promise I have left unbroken, I wish to keep it so. What was it you were referring to?”

 

“Doesn’t matter Cas” Dean answered getting to his feet again.

 

“Dean -”

 

“Just - just stay away from the pills okay? I don’t want you getting stoned and going decadence on me a second time” Dean mumbled.

 

“A second time?” Castiel questioned instantly more focused. Dean only sighed.

 

“2014. Its where Zachariah sent me” the hunter shrugged and suddenly it all clicked into place.

 

“I had an affliction to medication in the future you saw” He said out loud. He had already guessed long ago that the future Dean had seen included a human version of him but this was new information.

 

“You were a walking drug store” Dean confirmed.

 

“We were fighting the devil and I chose to indulge in drugs?” Castiel questioned, honestly confused. That defeated the purpose of staying by Dean’s side.

 

“And women...” Dean was shrugging again and Castiel scrunched his nose with dislike.

 

“I do see why you did not like that future. I sound more hopeless, more-” Castiel began when Dean interrupted.

 

“More hapless, more powerless.” the hunter prompted before shrugging “Yeah thats what the other you said”

 

Castiel detected a strange undercurrent in Dean’s voice but he wasn’t able to place it. He was still stunned Dean remembered his words from five years ago.

 

“Regardless of the course of the future, I never seem to be useful to you” Castiel informed mournfully and if he hadn’t lowered his eyes in shame he would have missed the way Dean’s hands were clenched.

 

“Yeah. Well you know, maybe given the choice between you and the other you, I would take him even if he was a stoned love-guru ninety percent of the time” Dean muttered

 

“Why?” Castiel questioned quietly but Dean was already walking away.

 

* * *

 

 

 It was all he could do to walk away from Castiel a second time that week. And it hurt more, especially when every cell in his body screamed for him to hold his angel in his arms and never let go. But he had said he was done and he had meant it, and so he forced himself to step out of the room without a backward glance.

 

 When he shut the door behind himself though, he found he couldn’t leave. Resting his forehead against the door he tried to take deep breaths. Castiel’s ‘why’ echoed in his head and a sad smile wormed itself into his face.

 

“Cuz he stayed with me Cas” Dean whispered to the solid wood in front of him.  And then he died because of it. You sent him to his death Winchester.

 

 The harsh reminder was all it took for Dean to finally head back to his room and he fell right into his bed, burying his face into the pillow as he punched it roughly. The sight of Cas curled up on his bed was still stark in his mind and the way the other man had trembled in his arms was a memory that allowed no sleep.

 

 Shifting uncomfortably for what felt like hours, Dean fell into a fitful slumber only to be woken up by his brother in what seemed like mere minutes.

 

“DEAN!” Sam demanded and he didn’t even need to open his eyes to tell what expression he was going to be greeted with.

 

“I swear Sam unless its a case I am-” he began to grumble when his brother cut across.

 

“Cas is leaving” The deadpan tone made him freeze entirely.   

 

Of course he was. He had no reason to stay. Wings or no wings, he shouldn’t have even hoped. Actually, he hadn’t. He had known this would happen.

 

“Of course he is” He mumbled into the pillow when Sam’s large hands gripped his shoulders. Any second now his brother was going to yank him up and Dean really was not ready to pretend this early in the morning.

 

Angrily swiping the hand away and rolling over so he was facing away from Sam when he sat up, Dean glared steadily at nothing.

 

“What did you think he was going to do Sammy?” He questioned, his voice a little hoarse but he was hoping his brother would attribute it to sleep.

 

“Honestly Dean -” Sam began exasperated when Dean cut across, his hurt lashing out as anger instead.

 

“No really Sam. What did you expect? That he’d stay forever and we’d get a dog? Its Cas! Of course he’s going to leave. He always -”  Dean had gotten to his feet and whirled around as he spoke and seeing what was waiting for him made him fall silent instantly.

 

 Sam was standing in his running shorts, holding a packed bag that obviously belonged to Cas and standing just a few feet behind him and steadily avoiding Dean’s gaze was the newly human angel. Every emotion Dean shoved aside and ignored came crashing into him. Anger and sadness and bitterness all coiled tightly through his very being.

 

“Leaves” Dean finally managed quietly “He always leaves”

 

“I am sorry I -” Castiel tried in apology as he continued to stare at his feet.

 

“I don’t want to hear it” the hunter interrupted, entirely too tired of the constant apologies that came his way.

 

“I understand why you refuse to forgive me Dean. But then I have no purpose here” Castiel pointed out somberly.

 

“Yeah? Because all those times I said I needed you is never enough?” Dean demanded, anger taking the forefront now.

 

“Dean, you don’t-” Castiel began, only to be interrupted again.

 

“You son of a bitch, I pray to you. I still pray to you -” It was one of those rare moments when Dean allowed his every emotion to show plainly.

 

“Dean i’m not-” Castiel tried another time.

 

“Yeah, I remember. You aren’t here to perch on my shoulder. There’s a bigger picture. I get it. You know, whatever.” And just like that, the walls were back in place as Dean grit his teeth and forced himself to shrug.

 

The awkward silence was followed by Castiel’s silent whisper.

 

“I wish Dean. I wish I was here to do exactly that but I am not an angel anymore”

 

“I think I noticed that, thanks” Dean snarked, now avoiding the former angel’s gaze as he picked up his robe and focused on tying it.

 

“Then you understand that I can no longer keep you-” Castiel attempted once again to explain himself.

 

“If you say safe I will punch you in the face” Dean snarled, his eyes finally meeting blue ones as he took a dangerous step forward.

 

“You are my charge, ensuring your-” Castiel tried to protest, holding the unwavering gaze.

 

“Don’t give me that pile of crap Cas! I haven’t been your charge in years and-” Dean argued, cutting across once again.

 

“You are always _mine_ , Dean!” Castiel growled, leaning forward warningly into the other’s personal space

 

“Yeah? You have an awful way of showing it then!” Dean sniped, making absolutely no move to back down.

 

Another moment of heavy silence later, the fight seemed to go out of Castiel whose posture slumped.

 

“What would you have me do?” The dark haired man questioned.

 

“If you are leaving then get out” Dean answered, forcefully pushing past “And don’t come back, because waiting for you to return every time just to watch you leave again? I can’t do it anymore”

 

With that Dean stalked away, his hands fisted at his sides. He was almost by the door when he heard the softer, defeated sounding words.

 

“I remember the promise Dean. You asked me to never change and -” Castiel was saying.

 

“Yeah, a bit too late for that isn’t it?” Dean asked bitterly, his back still turned to the two men in the room as he pulled the door open.

 

“I will try to find my grace again if-” Castiel vowed in a last attempt to stop the hunter.

 

Surprisingly enough though, the door slammed shut again and Dean whirled around, obvious fury written all over his face as he glared directly at Castiel.

 

“You stupid feathery child!!!” He all but roared “ I DON’T need you to have your grace again. I don’t need a freakin angel of the lord to save my ass.”

 

 Castiel flinched slightly as the hunter moved forward almost menacingly “I want the guy who sat with me on the park bench all those years ago. I want the guy who stayed with me when my brother left. I want the guy who knew we would lose but agreed to face lucifer with me. And I will choose him over you because he was drunk and stoned and soaked in twenty kinds of sin but he _stayed_ and you never did!!

 

Any words the former angel could have offered died in his throat and he simply stared, his lips parted in silent astonishment as Dean continued on.

 

 “And for the record I don’t care that you opened purgatory, I care that you chose to stay there instead of coming home. I don’t give a damn about the stupid angel tablet, I’m angry you left me right after I told you I needed you. And whatever Metatron did, whatever happened to heaven, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m pissed because you were ready to leave for good that night. And I am done with us not because you keep screwing up, i’m done because you either  forget me or die or leave and -” The words were breaking now, the usual authoritative voice of Dean Winchester was shaking “I need you to be sorry for all of that. I need you. When are you going to get that?”

 

Castiel stepped forward hesitantly but when Dean made no move of any sort, he closed the distance more confidently.

 

“I _am_ sorry Dean. I am sorry for all of that. I really truly am” Cas whispered, his breath brushing against Dean’s lips.

 

“Then stay Cas. Thats what I would have you do. Just stay. For once, I want someone to stay for me” Dean pleaded quietly, his hands coming up to pull the other man closer by his waist.

 

“Anything you wish Dean” Cas whispered and when he noticed the slight quirk of Dean's lips, he dared to smile lightly and add "Good things do happen" truly believing the words for the first time since he had said it all those years ago.  

 

 Seeing Dean’s arms wrap tighter around the former angel who was holding the hunters face as they exchanged a chaste kiss, Sam decided against clearing his throat and just awkwardly chose to shuffle away.

  
“I’ll - I’ll just show myself out” He mumbled to no one, putting Cas’s packed bag on Dean’s bed as he walked away with a smile and a muttered “finally”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, please do leave comments if you liked it...or if you didn't... you know :)


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